I love football...always have, always will. My earliest sports memories are of watching some of the great rivalries in the game: Cowboys/Redskins, Broncos/Raiders, Dolphins/Jets, Bears/Packers. While most kids my age were collecting baseball cards (although I did that too), my big thing was collecting football cards. Besides teaching me a lot about the players, football cards also taught me something else: How ridiculous some parents can be when naming their children. One of the great things about the game of football is that there is no shortage of crazy names....names that make you go “What the fuck were his parents thinking????” Now you could probably easily make a Top 500 list but these ten came right to mind when I first thought of doing this:
Guy Whimper - T, Giants. If you have a last name like Whimper, you either toughen up quickly or you get your ass beat on a daily basis. Guy chose option number two and became a big ugly, which is so fantastically ironic. I can hear Joe Buck (unfortunately) now with his lame commentary after Whimper pancakes some opponent and sends him off the field with stars circling his head “And So and So goes out with a Whimper.”
Atari Bigby - S, Packers. An obvious choice naturally, given that his first name is also that of a certain classic video game system. It’s been reported that his Grandmother chose the name because in Japanese, it means “attack”. That’s bullshit. It’s actually Swahili for “bitchin’ dreds.”
Legedu Naanee - WR, Chargers. Thankfully, as of this writing, the Bolts finally ended the Chris Chambers experiment which can only mean that we’ll hear more of Naanee. Despite the fact that he’s Nigerian, his name just sounds French to me and all I can think of when I hear it is some snobby restaurant maitre’ d.
“The Sausage King of Chicago??”
Charlie Brown - WR, Redskins, Falcons (80’s-90’s). Not much to explain about this one. Charlie the football player was born 8 years after Charlie the Peanuts character debuted in newspapers and well after the comic strip had become a hit. Ma and Pa Brown had to have known that and while the name itself isn’t all that funny, I just couldn’t help but wonder whether Lucy was stalking him on the sidelines, waiting for the right moment...
Tshimanga “Tim” Biakabutuka - RB, Panthers (90’s). A lot of people might not remember him, since his pro career was pretty short due to a myriad of injuries. But being a huge Michigan fan (yes I know, they’re pretty bad right now; tell me your team hasn’t ever been) I have fond memories of TB trampling Ohio State and to me his name always sounded like it could be some sort of Zulu war cry: “BIAKABUTUKAAAAA!” Anyway, it’s a common belief that when he came to North America from Zaire that people started calling him Tim because Tshimanga was too difficult; that’s a complete falsehood. He got the nickname from his college days; if you think it’s a hard name to pronounce when you’re sober, try saying it when you’ve had a couple, 18 beers while tailgating at the Big House. It’s a bitch...trust me. “Shaming....Tsamung...Shim...Tamoo....Fuck it, Tim!”
“BIAKABUTUKAAAAAAAAAA!”
Vai Sikahema - RB/KR, Cardinals, Packers, Eagles (80’s-90’s). The originator of the “punching the goalpost” TD celebration, Sikahema was always fun to watch when he was returning kicks. My friends and I always referred to him as VD though, ‘cause his name sounds like something you got from that skank from the bar that’ll put out for anyone after a night of doing double shots of Cuervo. “So what’d the doc say?” “Man, I fuckin’ got Vaisikahema on my junk!”
“This is worse than crabs!”
Cato June - LB, Texans. I loved the Pink Panther movies when I was growing up. The originals, not the Steve Martin abomination. Peter Sellers was a comic genius and hence, I can’t ever hear June’s name without immediately hearing Inspector Clouseau calling out to his manservant before they do battle....
Harry Colon - S, Pats, Lions, Jags (90’). File this one under “Obvious”. I know his last name is pronounced like cologne, but seriously mom and dad? Harry???? You couldn’t have made a bad situation better and named him something else....anything else? Were his parents that clueless? As far as I’m concerned, parents that give their kid a name that’s gonna cause them a lifetime of mockery should be charged with child abuse...and forced to change their own names to something just as stupid. Congrats on your new monikers, LaFonda and Luscious!
This Colon does NOT smell very good!
Terdell Middleton - RB, Packers, Bucs (70’s-80’s). Oh boy....how did this happen? I never heard this name before getting Middleton’s football card when I was a kid and I haven’t heard it since. Seriously, did someone at the hospital fuck up on the birth certificate?? Somebody tell me his name was supposed to be Terrell. The R and the D are right by each other (yes, even on a typewriter). Please Mr. and Mrs. Middleton, tell me that is what you really named your child. Don’t tell me that you banished your son to a life of turd jokes despite your rather un-clever attempt to get around it by using an “e” instead of a “u.” Was he named in honor of a relative? ‘Cause if that’s the case, I don’t care if that guy freed the slaves, cured cancer and found a way to keep white people from dancing...I’m naming him after someone else!
You just can’t polish a Terd.
Craphonso Thorpe - WR, too many teams to care. Well my people, this may be the grand daddy of them all. I don’t care how it’s pronounced, can you imagine having a name like this and having to spell it for someone over the phone? “Yes, it’s C-R-A-P....hello?” How can you look at that and not at least giggle? Imagine growing up with this. Kids can be cruel enough as it is without the first part of your name being a euphemism for shit. Name mash-ups have gotten a lot more popular in the last 10-15 years, but clearly this is going to far. I can just see Mom and Pop Thorpe trying to come up with it:
Dad: How about Alphonso?
Mom: Oooh yah, that’s good. Phonso. Now we need something for the beginning.
Dad: Hold on baby, I got to go take a crap.
Mom: That’s it!
Let me guess, number 2 was already taken?
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