Top 10 Worst Halloween "Treats"

Halloween is a weird time of year isn't it? It's almost like we enter Bizzaro World and everything is the opposite of what we're used to. We get to eat handfuls of candy until we feel like we're gonna puke? We can go right on up to the doors of perfect strangers and take the candy right from them? It's the one day where we didn't have to listen to our parents tell us how our teeth are gonna rot or that we need to run screaming the other way if a stranger offered us some goodies. Unfortunately, Bizzaro World isn't all it's cracked up to be on Halloween. Oh we still get plenty of the good stuff: Snickers, Reese's Peanut Butter Cups and all that good sugary loot. But we also get plenty of crap....stuff that should only exist in Bizarro World 'cause I don't know anyone in their right mind that likes this garbage. I know there'll be some disagreement about what I have here but these are the abominations that I got as kid that made me want to go all Leatherface on the perpetrators:

10.  Toothbrushes

A toothbrush???? Really?!?!?!? Do you have a death wish? Giving out a toothbrush on Halloween is like giving a recovering alcoholic a high ball of Jack Daniel's. Bad things are gonna happen. Unless you've found some easy way to scrape dried egg off your house and get wet toilet paper out of your trees, then you are asking for a world of shit if you hand these out. Toothbrushes on Halloween will turn normal, law abiding 10 year olds into crazed mobs of midget demons. Let mom and dad worry about the little runts' teeth....it's their job, not yours.


9. Fruit

Giving fruit on Halloween is another way of telling the kids of the neighborhood that you are a douchebag and of ensuring that you will suffer Devil's Night like consequences in November. Look, my wife works in a dental office and even she wouldn't dream of this nonsense. I know you smug bastards think you're helping to keep kids from getting fat or having a mouthful of fillings, but really the only solution that you'll be a part of is figuring out who's house gets egged next.

8. Fun Sized Anything

Okay, there's a caveat to this one: Generally the candy that you get is the good stuff. That said, what the hell is so fun about candy that's small??? It's like getting 1/10 of a Snickers bar. WTF?!?!? Where are the other 9 pieces? When you ask for pizza you don't expect to just get the crust, do you? Give me the whole damn thing you cheap SOB!!!

7. Pixie Stix

Delicious flavored sugar packaged in brightly colored straws. Great, huh? Not so fast, candyman. Those brightly colored straws are actually made of paper and heaven help you if you happen to touch one of those to your lips and get even the tiniest bit of saliva on 'em. If that happens, then your sugary straw turns into sugary goo. No thanks, I'll just grab a spoon when I get home and help myself to the sugar jar.


6. Whoppers

Malted, milk and balls are three words that should never be linked together. Who in the hell dreamt up this ungodly concoction??? Seriously....it's like you're eating chocolate covered sawdust balls. I don't know anyone that likes theses little rabbit turds of the candy world.


5. Necco Wafers

These things have been around forever and I just don't get it. They look good, just like those candy hearts we all get when Valentines Day draws near. But that's where the similarity ends. First of all, one of the many colors that these little shit frisbees come in is black. Black is not a color that any good candy should come in, i.e. black licorice. Second, these things just taste weird...it's hard to describe. Are they fruit flavored or are they ass flavored? My money is all on door number 2. And finally, if you do chew them they have all the fine texture of drywall dust. Blech....I'd rather lick an ashtray.


4. Milky Way/3 Musketeers

  

I lumped these two disasters together for the same reason: What the fuck is inside of these things??? The inside of a 3 Musketeers bar looks like a hot dog: ground up lips and assholes mashed together and injected into a square chocolate casing. Milky Ways are only slightly better; they have caramel, which is good. But what is nougat???? Sounds like something sexual, only not the good kind of sexual. Kind of like bad nude. If I get one of these I'm more than likely shoving 'em up your dog's ass.


3. Double Bubble

This one's tricky 'cause it seems like everyone likes to get Double Bubble, myself included. But who are we kidding? This stuff is awful. For one thing, it's hard. Think about that...hard gum. You can get away with that if you're putting it in packs of baseball cards, but not when you're wrapping it up and selling it on its own. If you even think of biting into a piece with any teeth other than you molars, you're asking for a trip to the dentist. And the flavor lasts all of about 2 minutes, after which it's like chewing on a wad of rubber. Then you only have two options: Spit it out and start over or keep adding pieces until finally, you have so much damn gum in your mouth that you dislocate your fuckin' jaw trying to chew the shit.
You wanna give me gum, make it Hubba Bubba.


2. Pennies

Poor old Abe. Doesn't even get a say in this. Getting money when you're a kid has been cool since the dawn of...well, money. Unfortunately the old milkshakes that are the ones that hand out money are still living in the Great Depression when getting a few pennies actually meant something. What the hell can you get for a few pennies these days? Nuthin', that's what. My thoughts cost a least a quarter now and you can't even buy penny candy for a few pennies today, grandpaw. Now grab your walker, shuffle on into the 21st century and if you wanna throw some Lincolns at me, make 'em the paper kind.


1. Pencils

Pencils....really???? Where does the insanity stop? The only time kids get excited about getting pencils is before school starts when mom takes them out to get their school supplies. That excitement turns to indifference once the little rugrats start getting homework, then you're lucky if they even pick up the damn things. So why in the world do you ass clowns think it's okay to hand out pencils on Halloween? Don't hide behind the fact that you can get Halloween themed lead sticks either. You know what pencils say about you? "I'm a crabby old fuck whose balls hang in the water when I drop a deuce and I fart dust." Hand these out on the 31st and I'm likely gonna give 'em right back to you...through those cold black orbs that you call your eyes.

And there you have it, my own personal Nightmare on Elm Street.