Draft Day Douchebags

Draft Day (The real one) is almost here so we thought this would be the perfect time for a Top 10 list for fantasy draft day. This isn’t a good list, though. These 10 slugs are the guys that make draft day (and in some cases your season) a nightmare. You’d think it’d be easy to find enough guys without their head up their asses to fill a league. But whether you’re in a keeper league, a dynasty league or simply just a yearly league, one of these guys always seems to weasel his way in. 

Without further ado:

The Top 10 Guys You DON’T Want To Be On Draft Day

10. The Late Arrival – You’ve been waiting for draft day with the anticipation of a 5-year old waiting for Christmas. Now imagine you’re that 5-year old and you wake up at 4 a.m. to find that Santa hasn’t stopped by yet. WTF????? That’s exactly how I feel when some douchebag can’t make it to the draft on time with some lousy excuse: “traffic”, “I had to feed my girlfriend’s cat”, or “my wife took too long to pick out my clothes”. Dude, you’ve known about the time and date for draft day for how long? And you still can’t get your sorry ass there on time? You sir, just elected yourself beer bitch for the entire day.

9. The Ass Clown – There always seems to be someone that is a little too vested in this fantasy game that we play; whether he’s telling everyone else how great he is or he’s glued to the TV for every game and living and dying with every single play or some other form of idiocy. You know the type, just way too over the top. I had AC  in one of my leagues last year. We did an online draft so I never met the guy, but after his first round pick (Michael Turner, 4^th overall) he put in the chat bar: “Steal”. Um, sorry young Skywalker but unless you can see the future, nobody’s a steal four picks into the draft.

At any rate it seems that you have much to learn about the Force….oh, and by the way, Darth Vader is your father and you’ve been kissing your sister.

8. The Unprepared – We’ve all had to deal with this guy at least once and it seems like there’s one at every draft.  First, he didn’t bring anything to write with, then he wants to borrow your cheat sheet/magazine as soon as you make your pick so he can study up for his pick. What’s next, pal? You want to borrow a few slugs from my beer or use my hand when you go take a piss????? Bring your own shit!!!!!

7. Slow Poke Rodriguez – Watching the laid back cousin of Speedy Gonzales Saturday mornings on Looney Tunes was one of the highlights of my childhood. Watching him turn your draft into an agonizingly drawn out affair is maddening. Most drafts have time limits for your picks and it’s a good idea to use your time when you start to get into the mid-to-late rounds so that you don’t screw yourself with a dumb pick, but come on. The first five rounds generally go pretty quickly because that’s where the top talent sits. No reason to spend 2 minutes pondering your first round pick.

6. Sir Drinks A Lot – One of the great things about draft day is having a few frosty barley pops as you build your fantasy juggernaut. Fantasy football and tasty libations go hand in hand and I’ll be the first one to start twisting off caps, but whether you’re at someone’s home or at the bar, a certain amount of buzz management needs to take place and SDAL doesn’t have the skills. He’s the one that gets so laced that he’ll piss through the chain link fence while the neighbors are having their 5-year old’s birthday party or he’s playing grabass with the waitress, ensuring that she’s pretty much gonna ignore the rest of you for the duration of the draft. Being a sloppy drunk is sure to earn you amateur status among your peers.

5. The Neutical – Much like man’s best friend, for which Neuticals were designed for (fake dog nuts…yes they’re real, look it up), this guy has had his little buddies taken from him. Oh he may have once been a man’s man, maybe even the manliest man you ever knew. Alas, along came a vagina that stole his man card from him. He shows up for the draft on the phone, reassuring his wife/girlfriend that he does indeed love her; that he won’t drink too much; won’t look at other women; that he misses her…blah, blah, blah. Then he fields two or three more calls from her during the draft and goes through the same sorry process all over again. Since he obviously won’t ever be able to get his balls out of his woman’s purse again, the least you guys can do is send this poor bastard some of the fake ones.

4. The Caller – It never fails. Seems that every live draft has some clown who suddenly couldn’t make it…and wants to phone it in. This is a case of double douchebaggery because it not only turns you into The Caller, it also turns you into Slow Poke Rodriguez  because now someone has to relay to you every single pick that was made since you last picked. And unless you plan on being on the phone for 3-4 hours (or 5-6 since your dumb ass is dragging this out longer than it needs to be), it also means that some poor sap who actually made the draft has to call your sorry ass when it’s your turn. It should be a fantasy law that if you end up being The Caller then you also are footing the bill for the draft.

3. Houdini – This one’s interesting because one of the guys at number 9, 8, 6 or 4 could also morph into this one. Houdini’s the guy that had a terrible draft (or he loses a couple of his top guys a week or two into the season) and he suddenly disappears without warning after a few weeks. You send him a trade offer and you don’t hear a thing. Nobody seems to be able to get a hold of this guy. You played him early and he had a full lineup, but when the guy you’re chasing in the standings plays him, it’s one of the weeks with 6 teams on a bye and half of Houdini’s active lineup has the word “bye” next to the player’s name. Sometimes he’ll reappear late in the season and start to give a damn again….naturally after handing your opponents some easy “W’s”. What’s worse is that he’ll usually have at least a couple of studs on his team that are left in fantasy purgatory because he never checks on his team.

2. Mr. Clueless – This guy actually challenged heavily for the #1 spot and fell just a bit short, but still, my hatred for Clueless knows no bounds. Sometimes a rookie and sometimes a “seasoned vet”, this guy continuously displays a lack of fantasy awareness. Occasionally it can work in your favor, like when he takes a DST in the 5^th round and leaves you with one of the true steals of the draft. Most of the time though, he just makes you want to pound chicken wings through his forehead as he constantly calls out players that have already been drafted, or are retired…or dead. Sometimes he’ll even get two players mixed up and call out something like “Anquan Fitzgerald.” Mr. Clueless, you truly are a deuce.

1. The Absentee – A very close cousin of The Caller, The Absentee gets my vote for uber hate on draft day. Granted there are few legitimate excuses for not making your draft in any way and I actually had to draft for a buddy that had a family emergency come up the morning of. I have no problem with that. No, my wrath is reserved for those turds that have no reason to miss the draft. It usually involves their significant other not allowing them to go and their inability to use their stones and man up. What’s worse, is that while this guy is antique shopping or sipping mimosas with his overbearing fleshbeast, he expects someone else that actually showed up to draft for him! Nothing’s worse than trying to keep track of all the picks that have been made, all the while adjusting your strategy based on what’s happened already, and then trying to objectively draft for someone else. Fantasy Rule Number One should state that if you aren’t man enough to make your own draft, then your roster gets filled in position order based off one of the lists that one of the other guys brought. If you end up with 9 players on the same bye week or your whole team consists of Rams or Raiders….so be it.

And there you go, you fantasy freaks....my Top 10 most hated fantasy football participants. My contempt for them is boundless and if I had my way, these 10 types would never again be allowed to join another league. So tell me about some of the douchebags that have infiltrated your leagues and turned this game that we love into a frustrating bag of WTF.