Draft Day Douchebags

Draft Day (The real one) is almost here so we thought this would be the perfect time for a Top 10 list for fantasy draft day. This isn’t a good list, though. These 10 slugs are the guys that make draft day (and in some cases your season) a nightmare. You’d think it’d be easy to find enough guys without their head up their asses to fill a league. But whether you’re in a keeper league, a dynasty league or simply just a yearly league, one of these guys always seems to weasel his way in. 

Without further ado:

The Top 10 Guys You DON’T Want To Be On Draft Day

10. The Late Arrival – You’ve been waiting for draft day with the anticipation of a 5-year old waiting for Christmas. Now imagine you’re that 5-year old and you wake up at 4 a.m. to find that Santa hasn’t stopped by yet. WTF????? That’s exactly how I feel when some douchebag can’t make it to the draft on time with some lousy excuse: “traffic”, “I had to feed my girlfriend’s cat”, or “my wife took too long to pick out my clothes”. Dude, you’ve known about the time and date for draft day for how long? And you still can’t get your sorry ass there on time? You sir, just elected yourself beer bitch for the entire day.

9. The Ass Clown – There always seems to be someone that is a little too vested in this fantasy game that we play; whether he’s telling everyone else how great he is or he’s glued to the TV for every game and living and dying with every single play or some other form of idiocy. You know the type, just way too over the top. I had AC  in one of my leagues last year. We did an online draft so I never met the guy, but after his first round pick (Michael Turner, 4^th overall) he put in the chat bar: “Steal”. Um, sorry young Skywalker but unless you can see the future, nobody’s a steal four picks into the draft.

At any rate it seems that you have much to learn about the Force….oh, and by the way, Darth Vader is your father and you’ve been kissing your sister.

8. The Unprepared – We’ve all had to deal with this guy at least once and it seems like there’s one at every draft.  First, he didn’t bring anything to write with, then he wants to borrow your cheat sheet/magazine as soon as you make your pick so he can study up for his pick. What’s next, pal? You want to borrow a few slugs from my beer or use my hand when you go take a piss????? Bring your own shit!!!!!

7. Slow Poke Rodriguez – Watching the laid back cousin of Speedy Gonzales Saturday mornings on Looney Tunes was one of the highlights of my childhood. Watching him turn your draft into an agonizingly drawn out affair is maddening. Most drafts have time limits for your picks and it’s a good idea to use your time when you start to get into the mid-to-late rounds so that you don’t screw yourself with a dumb pick, but come on. The first five rounds generally go pretty quickly because that’s where the top talent sits. No reason to spend 2 minutes pondering your first round pick.

6. Sir Drinks A Lot – One of the great things about draft day is having a few frosty barley pops as you build your fantasy juggernaut. Fantasy football and tasty libations go hand in hand and I’ll be the first one to start twisting off caps, but whether you’re at someone’s home or at the bar, a certain amount of buzz management needs to take place and SDAL doesn’t have the skills. He’s the one that gets so laced that he’ll piss through the chain link fence while the neighbors are having their 5-year old’s birthday party or he’s playing grabass with the waitress, ensuring that she’s pretty much gonna ignore the rest of you for the duration of the draft. Being a sloppy drunk is sure to earn you amateur status among your peers.

5. The Neutical – Much like man’s best friend, for which Neuticals were designed for (fake dog nuts…yes they’re real, look it up), this guy has had his little buddies taken from him. Oh he may have once been a man’s man, maybe even the manliest man you ever knew. Alas, along came a vagina that stole his man card from him. He shows up for the draft on the phone, reassuring his wife/girlfriend that he does indeed love her; that he won’t drink too much; won’t look at other women; that he misses her…blah, blah, blah. Then he fields two or three more calls from her during the draft and goes through the same sorry process all over again. Since he obviously won’t ever be able to get his balls out of his woman’s purse again, the least you guys can do is send this poor bastard some of the fake ones.

4. The Caller – It never fails. Seems that every live draft has some clown who suddenly couldn’t make it…and wants to phone it in. This is a case of double douchebaggery because it not only turns you into The Caller, it also turns you into Slow Poke Rodriguez  because now someone has to relay to you every single pick that was made since you last picked. And unless you plan on being on the phone for 3-4 hours (or 5-6 since your dumb ass is dragging this out longer than it needs to be), it also means that some poor sap who actually made the draft has to call your sorry ass when it’s your turn. It should be a fantasy law that if you end up being The Caller then you also are footing the bill for the draft.

3. Houdini – This one’s interesting because one of the guys at number 9, 8, 6 or 4 could also morph into this one. Houdini’s the guy that had a terrible draft (or he loses a couple of his top guys a week or two into the season) and he suddenly disappears without warning after a few weeks. You send him a trade offer and you don’t hear a thing. Nobody seems to be able to get a hold of this guy. You played him early and he had a full lineup, but when the guy you’re chasing in the standings plays him, it’s one of the weeks with 6 teams on a bye and half of Houdini’s active lineup has the word “bye” next to the player’s name. Sometimes he’ll reappear late in the season and start to give a damn again….naturally after handing your opponents some easy “W’s”. What’s worse is that he’ll usually have at least a couple of studs on his team that are left in fantasy purgatory because he never checks on his team.

2. Mr. Clueless – This guy actually challenged heavily for the #1 spot and fell just a bit short, but still, my hatred for Clueless knows no bounds. Sometimes a rookie and sometimes a “seasoned vet”, this guy continuously displays a lack of fantasy awareness. Occasionally it can work in your favor, like when he takes a DST in the 5^th round and leaves you with one of the true steals of the draft. Most of the time though, he just makes you want to pound chicken wings through his forehead as he constantly calls out players that have already been drafted, or are retired…or dead. Sometimes he’ll even get two players mixed up and call out something like “Anquan Fitzgerald.” Mr. Clueless, you truly are a deuce.

1. The Absentee – A very close cousin of The Caller, The Absentee gets my vote for uber hate on draft day. Granted there are few legitimate excuses for not making your draft in any way and I actually had to draft for a buddy that had a family emergency come up the morning of. I have no problem with that. No, my wrath is reserved for those turds that have no reason to miss the draft. It usually involves their significant other not allowing them to go and their inability to use their stones and man up. What’s worse, is that while this guy is antique shopping or sipping mimosas with his overbearing fleshbeast, he expects someone else that actually showed up to draft for him! Nothing’s worse than trying to keep track of all the picks that have been made, all the while adjusting your strategy based on what’s happened already, and then trying to objectively draft for someone else. Fantasy Rule Number One should state that if you aren’t man enough to make your own draft, then your roster gets filled in position order based off one of the lists that one of the other guys brought. If you end up with 9 players on the same bye week or your whole team consists of Rams or Raiders….so be it.

And there you go, you fantasy freaks....my Top 10 most hated fantasy football participants. My contempt for them is boundless and if I had my way, these 10 types would never again be allowed to join another league. So tell me about some of the douchebags that have infiltrated your leagues and turned this game that we love into a frustrating bag of WTF.

Top 10 Funny NFL Names

I love football...always have, always will. My earliest sports memories are of watching some of the great rivalries in the game: Cowboys/Redskins, Broncos/Raiders, Dolphins/Jets, Bears/Packers. While most kids my age were collecting baseball cards (although I did that too), my big thing was collecting football cards. Besides teaching me a lot about the players, football cards also taught me something else: How ridiculous some parents can be when naming their children. One of the great things about the game of football is that there is no shortage of crazy names....names that make you go “What the fuck were his parents thinking????” Now you could probably easily make a Top 500 list but these ten came right to mind when I first thought of doing this:

Guy Whimper - T, Giants. If you have a last name like Whimper, you either toughen up quickly or you get your ass beat on a daily basis. Guy chose option number two and became a big ugly, which is so fantastically ironic. I can hear Joe Buck (unfortunately) now with his lame commentary after Whimper pancakes some opponent and sends him off the field with stars circling his head “And So and So goes out with a Whimper.”

Atari Bigby - S, Packers. An obvious choice naturally, given that his first name is also that of a certain classic video game system. It’s been reported that his Grandmother chose the name because in Japanese, it means “attack”. That’s bullshit. It’s actually Swahili for “bitchin’ dreds.”

Legedu Naanee - WR, Chargers. Thankfully, as of this writing, the Bolts finally ended the Chris Chambers experiment which can only mean that we’ll hear more of Naanee. Despite the fact that he’s Nigerian, his name just sounds French to me and all I can think of when I hear it is some snobby restaurant maitre’ d.

“The Sausage King of Chicago??”

Charlie Brown - WR, Redskins, Falcons (80’s-90’s). Not much to explain about this one. Charlie the football player was born 8 years after Charlie the Peanuts character debuted in newspapers and well after the comic strip had become a hit. Ma and Pa Brown had to have known that and while the name itself isn’t all that funny, I just couldn’t help but wonder whether Lucy was stalking him on the sidelines, waiting for the right moment...

Tshimanga “Tim” Biakabutuka - RB, Panthers (90’s). A lot of people might not remember him, since his pro career was pretty short due to a myriad of injuries. But being a huge Michigan fan (yes I know, they’re pretty bad right now; tell me your team hasn’t ever been) I have fond memories of TB trampling Ohio State and to me his name always sounded like it could be some sort of Zulu war cry: “BIAKABUTUKAAAAA!” Anyway, it’s a common belief that when he came to North America from Zaire that people started calling him Tim because Tshimanga was too difficult; that’s a complete falsehood. He got the nickname from his college days; if you think it’s a hard name to pronounce when you’re sober, try saying it when you’ve had a couple, 18 beers while tailgating at the Big House. It’s a bitch...trust me.  “Shaming....Tsamung...Shim...Tamoo....Fuck it, Tim!”

“BIAKABUTUKAAAAAAAAAA!”

Vai Sikahema - RB/KR, Cardinals, Packers, Eagles (80’s-90’s). The originator of the “punching the goalpost” TD celebration, Sikahema was always fun to watch when he was returning kicks. My friends and I always referred to him as VD though, ‘cause his name sounds like something you got from that skank from the bar that’ll put out for anyone after a night of doing double shots of Cuervo. “So what’d the doc say?” “Man, I fuckin’ got Vaisikahema on my junk!”

“This is worse than crabs!”

Cato June - LB, Texans. I loved the Pink Panther movies when I was growing up. The originals, not the Steve Martin abomination. Peter Sellers was a comic genius and hence, I can’t ever hear June’s name without immediately hearing Inspector Clouseau calling out to his manservant before they do battle....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mWNi2RiWgzM&feature=related 

Harry Colon - S, Pats, Lions, Jags (90’). File this one under “Obvious”. I know his last name is pronounced like cologne, but seriously mom and dad? Harry???? You couldn’t have made a bad situation better and named him something else....anything else? Were his parents that clueless? As far as I’m concerned, parents that give their kid a name that’s gonna cause them a lifetime of mockery should be charged with child abuse...and forced to change their own names to something just as stupid. Congrats on your new monikers, LaFonda and Luscious!

This Colon does NOT smell very good!

Terdell Middleton - RB, Packers, Bucs (70’s-80’s). Oh boy....how did this happen? I never heard this name before getting Middleton’s football card when I was a kid and I haven’t heard it since. Seriously, did someone at the hospital fuck up on the birth certificate?? Somebody tell me his name was supposed to be Terrell. The R and the D are right by each other (yes, even on a typewriter). Please Mr. and Mrs. Middleton, tell me that is what you really named your child. Don’t tell me that you banished your son to a life of turd jokes despite your rather un-clever attempt to get around it by using an “e” instead of a “u.” Was he named in honor of a relative? ‘Cause if that’s the case, I don’t care if that guy freed the slaves, cured cancer and found a way to keep white people from dancing...I’m naming him after someone else!

You just can’t polish a Terd.

Craphonso Thorpe - WR, too many teams to care. Well my people, this may be the grand daddy of them all. I don’t care how it’s pronounced, can you imagine having a name like this and having to spell it for someone over the phone? “Yes, it’s C-R-A-P....hello?” How can you look at that and not at least giggle? Imagine growing up with this. Kids can be cruel enough as it is without the first part of your name being a euphemism for shit. Name mash-ups have gotten a lot more popular in the last 10-15 years, but clearly this is going to far. I can just see Mom and Pop Thorpe trying to come up with it:

Dad: How about Alphonso?

Mom: Oooh yah, that’s good. Phonso. Now we need something for the beginning.

Dad: Hold on baby, I got to go take a crap.

Mom: That’s it!

Let me guess, number 2 was already taken?

Top 10 Worst Halloween "Treats"

Halloween is a weird time of year isn't it? It's almost like we enter Bizzaro World and everything is the opposite of what we're used to. We get to eat handfuls of candy until we feel like we're gonna puke? We can go right on up to the doors of perfect strangers and take the candy right from them? It's the one day where we didn't have to listen to our parents tell us how our teeth are gonna rot or that we need to run screaming the other way if a stranger offered us some goodies. Unfortunately, Bizzaro World isn't all it's cracked up to be on Halloween. Oh we still get plenty of the good stuff: Snickers, Reese's Peanut Butter Cups and all that good sugary loot. But we also get plenty of crap....stuff that should only exist in Bizarro World 'cause I don't know anyone in their right mind that likes this garbage. I know there'll be some disagreement about what I have here but these are the abominations that I got as kid that made me want to go all Leatherface on the perpetrators:

10.  Toothbrushes

A toothbrush???? Really?!?!?!? Do you have a death wish? Giving out a toothbrush on Halloween is like giving a recovering alcoholic a high ball of Jack Daniel's. Bad things are gonna happen. Unless you've found some easy way to scrape dried egg off your house and get wet toilet paper out of your trees, then you are asking for a world of shit if you hand these out. Toothbrushes on Halloween will turn normal, law abiding 10 year olds into crazed mobs of midget demons. Let mom and dad worry about the little runts' teeth....it's their job, not yours.


9. Fruit

Giving fruit on Halloween is another way of telling the kids of the neighborhood that you are a douchebag and of ensuring that you will suffer Devil's Night like consequences in November. Look, my wife works in a dental office and even she wouldn't dream of this nonsense. I know you smug bastards think you're helping to keep kids from getting fat or having a mouthful of fillings, but really the only solution that you'll be a part of is figuring out who's house gets egged next.

8. Fun Sized Anything

Okay, there's a caveat to this one: Generally the candy that you get is the good stuff. That said, what the hell is so fun about candy that's small??? It's like getting 1/10 of a Snickers bar. WTF?!?!? Where are the other 9 pieces? When you ask for pizza you don't expect to just get the crust, do you? Give me the whole damn thing you cheap SOB!!!

7. Pixie Stix

Delicious flavored sugar packaged in brightly colored straws. Great, huh? Not so fast, candyman. Those brightly colored straws are actually made of paper and heaven help you if you happen to touch one of those to your lips and get even the tiniest bit of saliva on 'em. If that happens, then your sugary straw turns into sugary goo. No thanks, I'll just grab a spoon when I get home and help myself to the sugar jar.


6. Whoppers

Malted, milk and balls are three words that should never be linked together. Who in the hell dreamt up this ungodly concoction??? Seriously....it's like you're eating chocolate covered sawdust balls. I don't know anyone that likes theses little rabbit turds of the candy world.


5. Necco Wafers

These things have been around forever and I just don't get it. They look good, just like those candy hearts we all get when Valentines Day draws near. But that's where the similarity ends. First of all, one of the many colors that these little shit frisbees come in is black. Black is not a color that any good candy should come in, i.e. black licorice. Second, these things just taste weird...it's hard to describe. Are they fruit flavored or are they ass flavored? My money is all on door number 2. And finally, if you do chew them they have all the fine texture of drywall dust. Blech....I'd rather lick an ashtray.


4. Milky Way/3 Musketeers

  

I lumped these two disasters together for the same reason: What the fuck is inside of these things??? The inside of a 3 Musketeers bar looks like a hot dog: ground up lips and assholes mashed together and injected into a square chocolate casing. Milky Ways are only slightly better; they have caramel, which is good. But what is nougat???? Sounds like something sexual, only not the good kind of sexual. Kind of like bad nude. If I get one of these I'm more than likely shoving 'em up your dog's ass.


3. Double Bubble

This one's tricky 'cause it seems like everyone likes to get Double Bubble, myself included. But who are we kidding? This stuff is awful. For one thing, it's hard. Think about that...hard gum. You can get away with that if you're putting it in packs of baseball cards, but not when you're wrapping it up and selling it on its own. If you even think of biting into a piece with any teeth other than you molars, you're asking for a trip to the dentist. And the flavor lasts all of about 2 minutes, after which it's like chewing on a wad of rubber. Then you only have two options: Spit it out and start over or keep adding pieces until finally, you have so much damn gum in your mouth that you dislocate your fuckin' jaw trying to chew the shit.
You wanna give me gum, make it Hubba Bubba.


2. Pennies

Poor old Abe. Doesn't even get a say in this. Getting money when you're a kid has been cool since the dawn of...well, money. Unfortunately the old milkshakes that are the ones that hand out money are still living in the Great Depression when getting a few pennies actually meant something. What the hell can you get for a few pennies these days? Nuthin', that's what. My thoughts cost a least a quarter now and you can't even buy penny candy for a few pennies today, grandpaw. Now grab your walker, shuffle on into the 21st century and if you wanna throw some Lincolns at me, make 'em the paper kind.


1. Pencils

Pencils....really???? Where does the insanity stop? The only time kids get excited about getting pencils is before school starts when mom takes them out to get their school supplies. That excitement turns to indifference once the little rugrats start getting homework, then you're lucky if they even pick up the damn things. So why in the world do you ass clowns think it's okay to hand out pencils on Halloween? Don't hide behind the fact that you can get Halloween themed lead sticks either. You know what pencils say about you? "I'm a crabby old fuck whose balls hang in the water when I drop a deuce and I fart dust." Hand these out on the 31st and I'm likely gonna give 'em right back to you...through those cold black orbs that you call your eyes.

And there you have it, my own personal Nightmare on Elm Street.